Over

Well, like so many before me, I have had my time in the blogging community, found out what it's all about but tired of it quickly.

It served as a nice distraction from searching for a job but now I have one I don't want to wase my time writing the same crap as everyone else.

I honestly admire all those people that keep up the tempo and update daily and good luck to them in the future; I know this business ain't for me.

Its nice to think that this little bit of my life will be preserved on the internet for generations to come.

Goodbye all.

Hopes and dreams

I know I’ve probably mentioned this before but it really is an all or nothing situation when you are seeking employment. Last week I really had nothing to be going on with and now a few things have started to develop. Applying for things obviously takes time and then it all seems to come along at once. Saying that, it can be just as easy to go back to square one, you can attend interviews all week long but closing the deal and getting the job is another thing.
The additional bonus for me is I’m currently being checked to see if I’m good to work in the local hospital, helping out with the radio station. This has been one of those things that I’ve always wanted and meant to do but never gone for and now I have it’s a great feeling.
It will enable me to see if I actually have any chance whatsoever of moving into the presenting business, whilst giving up time for a good cause. For all I know I could be really crap and it’s just not for me but I really hope this isn’t the case as I will openly admit that this would break me in two. Imagine finding out that the one thing you have always dreamed of doing you are really bad at. Not good.

Notice

I find myself noticing more stuff when i'm out and about and thinking, umm I could write about that on my blog. Things that I'm sure before I would of noticed but just forgotten about, and now I suppose you would like an example of this but right now I haven't got one.
There was something about the supermarket but I slipped my mind.

Oh god, i've turned into my grandma. She talks like that. I need a job!

Today

And so Monday is upon us again, it’s another week beginning, pushing ever further into March. Before you know it, it will be Easter and the other side of that lies the summer. Then you past the year’s longest days and its getting dark earlier again and past Halloween into straight into Christmas.

Suddenly you stand there shouting happy 2020 and laughing at the fact it’s just like saying 20 twice and then realising it is just saying 20 twice and then realising that it is 2020 and that all that, whatever that was or is, seems so long ago.

Why does everyone I know keep dieing, am I really at that age already you think and then it is you being buried or burnt.

So whatever happens today, no matter how bad, it’s all a matter of perspective.

No more!

OK, that’s it, not another word about that bloody programme on this blog from this moment on.

They emailed back to say they have no tickets to the final so no news from there, sorry to you if you came here looking for that.

So for me now it’s ‘Back to Normality’!

I'm off to the final!

The lovely Company Director of Lost in TV, the people that get accumulate BtR audience, has sent me an email saying sorry for the lack of an evection at last nights show and offered me tickets to the final. What lovely people they are, bless.

So tomorrow night I will give you yet another insider account from the BtR studio right here on travelmonkey, you lucky poeple. More BtR below and please vote in the poll -->>

Back to Back to Reality

Yet again I attended the recording of struggling reality format show ‘back to reality’ as badly received on channel five.

At about 7pm the producers decided to record the show ‘as live’ and this meant waiting around a bit longer as the programme was on later due to the Liverpool match.

While we were waiting there were the complementary cans of Fosters, DJ and this time they had really pushed the boat out with free pizzas and copies of Heat magazine (show sponsors!).

During recording of the show, jovial host Richard Bacon partially tripped over whilst walking across the stage much to the amusement of the audience but unfortunately this wasn’t being recorded. His co host Tess Dally we were told had ‘a touch of the flu’, but she fought on regardless and appeared to be her lovely smiley self throughout the show.

Tonight’s show was a bit different from the previous one I attended mainly due to the lack of an eviction so there was only really one show to record. This meant no hanging around in-between recordings as well as the fact of the audience consuming more alcohol before the show thus giving rowdier applause.
One of the most noticeable factors was the high temperature of the studio and I was glad to get out in the end as it started to make people feel faint.

Instead of the evection we were treated to Ricardo re-entering the house for one evening. But from an audience point of view all we could do was cheer and shout to the contestants on the opposite side of a big black curtain as we never go to actually see Ricardo, although someone did spot him in the VIP tent before the show.

A fun night out with free pizza, beer and Tess Dally’s rear!

Question of the Week, Old and New

Last weeks question (although running for two weeks!) asked you “Is the tall one Ant or Dec” in response to a survey by ‘the mirror’ newspaper revealing that 70% of people asked answered incorrectly.
Well I’m happy to say that travelmonkey readers have a bit more about them when it comes to important questions such as this with a pleasing 74% telling me correctly that Ant is the tall one.

Following on from this, this weeks question was simply going to be “Ant or Dec?” but other issues have presented themselves as more important,

In light of the news that you will be able to use your mobile on the London underground and already can on the Newcastle Metro, we ask, is this a good thing?
Just think people, the old chestnut ‘sorry I’m late but couldn’t call, stuck on the dam tube’ will be valid no more, not to mention that when the train gets stuck everyone will get their mobiles out and start yabbering away!
I often enjoy the moment when the train on its way into central London eases into the tunnel and the outside world is cut off till you emerge from the station back into civilisation again.
Of course I can see the benefits of it all but I just think how irritating mobiles already are above ground, on buses, trains in cinemas and bars etc. So the prospect of being stuck underground in a carriage full of working handsets is not one I relish.

Over to you then, the question of the week “Mobile transmitters on the London Underground, good idea?”. Vote yes or no on the right ---> --->

10k to 'kill' Evans

I discovered a new media term this morning, ‘kill fee’. It’s used to describe money paid to end an agreement or contract, basically a pay off if you like but ‘kill fee’ sounds more exciting to me.

I found it being used to describe the sum of ₤100,000 paid to Chris Evans by Channel 4 to stop him making any more crap programmes for the station.

He never ceases to amaze me that bloke. He’s like the classic evil being at the end of the film that refuses to die, you think that that last dose of court action has finally killed it off but it rises up again armed with more endlessly bad programming ideas.

Imagine that though, being paid not to do something, what a great idea. I’m currently seeking employment, so maybe I should phone up some companies?

“Hello. If you employ me I promise that I will never be on time, constantly swear at fellow employees and customers alike and generally not give a fuck about the job. So it’s better if you pay me a one off lovely lump sum of cash to leave you alone and keep me at home.”

There’s something for Monday.

The only problem with this ‘kill fee’ business is that now our beloved Chris is not wanted behind the scenes it pushes him back into the presenting role.

“Friends say Evans now plans to return to presenting, on radio and then TV.”

Ahh, then we have to look at him again. Couldn’t Channel 4 used the 100k to pay him weekly to make the tea and sweep up a bit? Please think of the children. He’s only going to start one of his classic naked parades!

There, I did it. I wrote a piece on Chris Evans without using the words ginger, carrot or wanker, oh.

What have I started?

Have a look at the travelmonkey comments for Tuesdays post on the TV show "Back to Reality". It seems that by inviting people to ask questions about what I had written I have reunited a few friends (or enemies?) from the pre-recording house test.

I bumped into one of these people, David, at the local tube station after the show who said he had been selected for the show because he matched the psychological profile of contestant Uri Geller.

So if the other participants are reading this then drop us a comment or email the monkey and please tell us more!

Lovely

I am a big fan of 'the day in pictures' thing that the BBC have on their news site. Today features, dwarf movie sellers, a boy stuck up a flagpole and David Beckham, not all in the same photo disappointingly!

Exclusive 'Back to Reality' info

Ok, I am a hypocrite. Yesterdays post mainly consisted of a rant of negativity involving ‘back to reality’ on channel five. To abuse an old cliché, ‘what a difference a day makes’, as on Sunday night I went to watch the show being recorded and actually enjoyed it. Therefore people, I can offer you some insider information on the show, read on.

I live about twenty minutes from the studios so I was one of many in the west London area to be contacted to form part of an emergency audience two hours before recording. There was a booked and ticketed audience for Sundays show but it was cancelled until producers decided to move the first eviction night and need an audience quickly. It obviously helped that they had the 32 (despite Richard Bacon saying 200) competition finalists and their families and friends in the building to make noise and stand around a bit.

They were so desperate for audience members they even sent someone to the local Burger King to get more people, class.

The show is recorded with a ten minute delay in case naughty things are said.

There was free booze, crisps, cold pizza and a DJ to entertain us between the two recordings. During this time they lost well over half of the audience, some people from the office were pulled in. The VIP tent has fairy lights, proper food and on Sunday contained former Big Brother contestant ‘Stuart’ and no one else I recognised.

I met a guy who had been paid to live in the house for five days as part of a trial run and had to perform all the same tasks as the celebs but within the five days. He still looked quite tired.

And finally, Tess Daily has a cracking arse. Please ask any questions via the comments.

Back to normality, please!

Well I managed to resist commenting on it for a week but finally things have started to happen at a certain TV mansion just round the corner from me. I am of course referring to the television travesty that is Channel 5’s ‘Back to Reality’, the show in which previous so called ‘reality TV contestants’ perform stupid tasks to raise cash for charity.

Well in the last 24 hours we have had threats from the producers of Big Brother claiming it’s a rip off, general condemnation in the national press, high tension in the house between guests and literally a few minutes ago the sudden departure of Mr Uri Geller from the mansion. Uri was convinced the producers were going through his personal belongings when he wasn’t looking and was under the impression that 75 grand goes to charity no matter what. The fact is the celebs have to win tasks to get the prize fund to that potential maximum and he didn’t like it much when he found out.

So it does look like things are happening for the show and its strange to think that if the show is criticised enough, giving it more exposure, it could pull in more viewers.

Channel 5, (sorry it’s just ‘five’) have spent the best part of ₤5m on the show and ratings are already dropping but they plan to resolve this problem by showing more of the programme. The channel has increased the amount of airtime given over to live feeds from the house which isn’t too clever as they are normally mind numbing to watch and the sound is always turned off anyway.

This overdosing of reality TV is definitely a new low point for the terrestrial channels but if you think Back to Reality is bad, have a look at the 24 hour quiz on ITV. Three lucky (umm?) contestants are in a pod thing or studio or something and get constantly asked questions for money in a backbench MP style. I got the impression it would be on 24 hours a day and replace all other programmes but luckily not. I wonder if it get even less viewers than Back to Reality?

Are we killing the seed?

Just having a glance at my site stats you can see if people have ended up here via a google search and what words they have used to do so. I noticed that someone had typed in 'peter andre cock' and found this page because those words appear on it (not together you understand!) and then I reslised that you would type that in if you wanted to find out about or possibly a picture of Peter Andres cock!

They must have been disapointed to end up here and I've just realised that by writing this article I have made it even more likely to be found by others searching for Peter Andres cock (oops and again!). This is insania, do do do do do....

Free Air

My head hurts today.

This is not because of the immense weight of the world and all its problems pushing down upon my tiny mind but is in fact due to my lovely housemate winning two Carling Live VIP passes for last nights Air (french band) gig at Brixton Academy. The pass enabled us both to obtain unlimited free larger for the duration of the gig as well as a feeling of being a Very Important Person (which grew with continued larger consumption).

Air were lovely by the way, not the kind of thing I would pay to see but dramatic lighting all the same.

Just one more thing mam. If the student type who also had a VIP wristband is reading this, sorry to hear that you got thrown out for selling you free larger!

Oww, err

Toasted sandwiches are one of mans best inventions if you are after a tasty, easy to prepare neat snack. Also ideal if you are looking to rid your mouth of feeling through the piping hot cheese method (travel monkey just did!).

An anagram of "singer, Peter Andre" is Green Penis Retard. Umm.

A walk is always good

Its easy to see how old people can get a distorted view of the world. Not just old people come to that, anyone that spends too much time at home. This includes me recently, you see I like to travel, I am the travel monkey after all, but when you travel you spend money. The money you think you are going to spend is hard to calculate and so I don't often bother. On top of this I like to have no job to come back to, its so much better to have the freedom to change flight dates and stay away longer.

So a perfect combination of spending too much and having no employment to return to makes for a period of total poverty upon my return and that’s where I am right now. It looks as if I will take a crap job for the time being just for the cash as another side affect to the situation is a CV with more gaps than a boxer’s dental x-ray.

Anyway, the original point here being that I am spending lots of time, indoors, online and not meeting many people in the real world so you become a bit detached, like some old people. I went for a walk just to buy a paper and that’s the most exciting thing I have done in a whole day, a stark contrast to the whole travelling thing, but I know its not for much longer.

Paul Daniels needs stilts!

Exclusive to the monkey, news of the trials and tribulations of that daily life of a magician.

It appears midget trickster Paul Daniels has been having problems with the local council after proposing to rebuild the front of his Berkshire home on stilts. Even the immense magical powers of Paul could not hold back the floodwaters on two separate occasions and he along with glamour-puss assistant Debbie McGee have been forced to live in the upstairs rooms of the house for months now.

Finally after months of phoning up the council and shouting ‘do you know who I am?’ Paul’s plans have been approved and work is underway.
The monkey asks, if he is such a great magician, couldn’t he just levitate the house himself?

I this found a fantastic article in Planning Source magazine, a weekly publication that offers all the news and other things to do with planning you could ever want, if you would ever want.

National dilemma

A recent survey conducted by the Mirror newspaper revealed the shocking result that 70% of people questioned didn't know which one of the cheeky TV presenting duo Ant and Dec was which.

I would hope that the readers of travel monkey would have no such difficulty, so I set it as this weeks 'question of the week', a feature new to the monkey which aims to answer the questions facing us in the 21st century. Give your answer by choosing over on the right ----->>

Classic

Bagpuss is 30 today! Hooraa, and looking quite good for it, well he always was a saggy old cloth cat.
I have all thirteen episodes on tape (I know) and its surprising what you can remember when you watch them again. There’s the one with the magic biscuit factory where the mice keep making chocolate cookies from wheat and sugar until professor yaffle works out that they keep using the same biscuit, oh those cheeky mice! And one with a ship in a bottle and another with an old ballet shoe, oh the fun.

It was a programme of conflicting characters, here is a quick rundown:
Bagpuss always looked like he just wanted everyone to piss off out of his shop window so he could get some more shut eye and tended to say I suppose it is a lot.
Professor Yaffle was the captain spock of the cast, always applying logic against the fanciful stories and musings of the others. If he was so clever why didn’t he live lower down so he wouldn’t have has so far to hop.
Madeleine the rag doll, was always the one to calm the mice down, she was lucky verbal warning was enough because she never mad it off of her own cloth arse.
Gabriel the toad, didn’t do much apart from sing crap folk inspired songs.
The mice were just known as the mice, but one of them was called Charlie. We believe he was the leader of this notorious gang of vermin.

Jobless musing

Travel monkey is currently unemployed but had two job interview type things today. This means that I am in the running for two jobs now, whereas yesterday the number was zero and it could as easily be again tomorrow.
It’s just one of those strange situations you find yourself in sometimes where you are scared to knock back one thing in case the thing you really want doesn’t come to fruition. I suppose this is what attractive people find with dating!

Walkers crips miss marketing opportunity...

I found this article on the BBC News website concerning desperate teenagers particularly shocking.
Not the fact that teenagers cannot afford condoms, nor the fact that they are using the good old cling-film and elastic band method as a substitute. It was the mention of crisp packets that caused the most concern. I have never heard of, seen or even considered using a crisp packet as a contraceptive, I mean how, why, what errr??

For a start I assume you push your cock into the corner of the packet and then kind of wrap it around, but this leaves a foil point protruding at the end, hardly erotic. The what about the previous contents of the packet, most flavors give off quite a smell (I suppose you could pick your favorite) and a fragment of processed potato stuck in your bell end could be fatal!

The above information is in no way intended as advice, go and get a Saturday job you dirty teenagers.

Not Mundayne

Hello there people, I went back to my home town to see my dear old folks this past weekend, hence the lack of posting.

Anyway, back with avengence, here are some lovely things to peruse on the interweb this week....

Get nipple wear just like Janet 'go on give it a tug' Jackson.

If you're in a crappy mood (well it is monday) this will cheer you up!

Learn the words and to the future world number one single (and watch the clip!).

Rottern News

And it was all going so well on 'I'm a Celebrity, I've got strange hair', every night was getting funnier to watch and it was building towards a great climax.
A mayor blow then with the surprise evection of 'Razor' on the previous evenings show and then big news of the day, John Lydon walking off the show at 3am this morning. Apparently he won't be thrown back in or replaced with Andy Peters (just my idea).

So now we are left with the childish flirting between Peter Andre and Jordan, Lord Brocket walking around going raa raa raaa, Kerry's winging and Jenny Bond and Alex Best (who?) waiting to get voted off first (bless).

You get the feeling the show isn't really worth watching anymore or maybe realise that it wasn't anyway, oh well back to normal life then.

Oh crap!

No, not another Peter Andre related post. This morning's big news tells us of a public toilet exploding here in the UK. The incident took place in the English county of Worcestershire, a place famed for its toilets being the home of UK porcelain production.

Apparently it was one of the modern 'continental' style toilets, the big shiny silver type that locks you in and costs 50p to use. No one was inside or hurt by the flying debris.

Related items:
Smoking German
Cheese based game

Public Warning!

This morning Chris Moyles launched a campain to re-release the single Mysterious Girl, the masterpiece of current 'I'm a Celebrity, I'm Feeling Queer' contestant Peter Andre ('dre' to his friends).
Apparently he already has the backing of Pete's record company and after encouraging listeners today, 35,000 text messages of support! On the upside, this replaced yesterdays plan to re-release a Bros single!

News or Sport?

Has former England football superstar Paul (Gaza) Gascoigne got stuck inside his wife? I thought so for a moment whilst checking BBC News this evening and came across the headline...

'Sharon orders Gaza pullout plan'

Just in case you don't follow, Paul used to be or still is (unsure) married to a Sharon. Turns out to be a middle east related article, anyway, look at some classic Gaza quotes!

Justin, no, just out!

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you what happened during the half-time show at the superbowl last night. Timberlake and Jackson (Janet) were performing to millions when Justin 'unintentionally' ripped open part of Janets outfit and her right tit fell out.

In a statement on its website, NFL executive vice president Joe Browne said: "We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced half-time show" - the sun (UK), and that's a man saying that is it, was he promised both?

Also worth noteing is the fact that President Bush fell asleep and missed the whole incident and that brother Michael has condemned the whole thing (possibly not, don't sue us!).

Please don't see this as typical travel monkey news, some non-tit related stuff will follow!

Eye candy?

I've been messing around with this all day, changing color, sizes and things. I now know I could never be a web designer, HTML is a very finikey business and I could never be truly concerned with the difference between #B2462F and #C6542U (please don't tell me what it is!). Well I hope it's all aesthetically pleasing, do tell!

Bowl you over?

Ok, so I retract some of the previous comment on the Superbowl being a bit crap as I did see one rather long throw, apparently the longest in Superbowl history, late on in the game. The main problem here in the UK is time difference and after about 3am I was a little tired thus leaving the ‘game’ half way through the 4th quarter or something.

Anyway, I have far more menial programming to be contending with in the form of ‘I’m a celebrity, get me a career!’ on ITV and ITV2 nearly all day and night. I really don’t want to admit to even having the slightest interest in this kind of thing and I am sure a lot of people feel the same out there (please let me know!). It’s just that they seem to have managed to pull off a great line up of contestants and few now find it hard to resist observing Jordan, John Lydon, and Peter Andre wallowing around in the Australian jungle, getting bitten and performing degrading tasks to stay alive.
I thoroughly recommend any overseas visitors to travel monkey to follow the link, all is explained on funky little site with broardband clips to boot!

Activity

Travel monkey will take off soon I promise you that! Tonight our sister site had had some new stuff added so please click here for that.

Whilst updating I have very half heartedly (maybe a quarter heart, err) have been watching the super bowl. What a load of crap, how can you call it sport? It’s more like standing around and occasionally moving, a bit like the statues game kids play at parties. Ohh I threw the ball ten meters, time for some adverts!

About

Welcome to the travel monkey.
Primarily written by a bloke who loves to travel and therefore feels slightly unsettled when at home, anyone can contribute to this blog by emailing stuff in. The general content will be a lighthearted, mainly topical look at current worldly events mixed with in with my own strange little thoughts.

Travel monkey lives in London, is twenty five and likes girls.